Boris' Sex Class
by Bam Bam and Sookface
Summary: Realizing he will never take over the world, Boris decides to educate the bladers in sexual matters. His first targets? Blitzkrieg Boys and BEGA. Rated T for tainted minds. Rated T for over the top sexual references and disturbing moments
1. Boris the Genius

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Beyblade belong to Takao Aoki.

**Title**

Boris's Sex Class

**Summary**

Realizing he will never take over the world, Boris decides to educate the bladers in sexual matters. His first targets? Blitzkrieg Boys and BEGA.

**Authors**

chocolatexloverx16 and AquilaTempestas

**Just a Small Note...**

We decided to give the characters some action, since they don't get enough, if you get our drift.

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**Chapter One: Boris the Genius**

Boris was a complete failure. He tried not once, but twice to take over the world, and he still failed. It was times like these he just wanted to break down into tears and cry. Why was he such a loser? Why couldn't he be a successful evil mastermind? Determination soon welled up inside him. It was time to stop feeling useless. He had other skills and it was time put these other skills to good use. He still had his stunning physique that drove all the women wild. But why have all the fun?

When he was but a young lad, his father had taught him a very important lesson: Thy hair must always be of the purple shade. It's for the sex appeal after all. His purple hair brought all the ladies to the yard, and they're just like, oh my friggen god you're such a sexy beast. Boris shook his head. He didn't want his students to dye their hair purple; they'd be cramping his style. No, he needed to teach them something else. The joys of puberty.

Boris would be quite surprised if any of his students even knew what puberty was. Now that he thought about it, bladers weren't very smart. All they knew was how to spin a plastic magical top. He remembered the time when Kai asked him what puberty was and the time when Bryan asked him why the thing between his legs was hard. Boris swore he was going to die. How could they be so friggen naive?

Boris sighed aloud, and replayed a scene in his head. Ian and Bryan were arguing about something stupid. Ian had asked Bryan, 'what do you mean it gets hard? Mine doesn't do that,' which resulted in a defensive Bryan calling Ian a liar. Boris had to do something and quick: it was for the bladers own good.

He sat down at his pink fluffy chair and pulled out a notepad and a Justin Beiber pen. He began making notes about what to teach and who to teach. The Blitzkrieg Boys and BEGA would be his first test subjects, except for Spencer of course, because he had already mastered the ways of porn. No, Spencer would be his assistant. He would then require a person to demonstrate. An image of Tala formed in his mind. Tala was a male stripper; he wouldn't mind stripping for his friends. "But what about Ming Ming?" Boris asked aloud to himself. Ming Ming will be the only girl in the room with hormonal guys, but then he remembered she was a slut. She wouldn't mind demonstrating for the sake of education. "Well, I won't have to worry about her being naive at least. However, maybe my students that aren't so fortunate could use some one-on-one learning," he reasoned.

He knew some of his students were difficult, such as Kai. Kai would need one-on-one learning. He was fairly pathetic. Bryan was also pretty lousy. And he didn't want to start on Ian. He was pretty sure Ian didn't even know that a penis was a useful part of the body. Perhaps he could give Michael, Enrique and Emily a call? Michael and Enrique were highly skilled players and Emily was secretly a slut in disguise of a nerd. Yes, that seemed like an excellent idea. He would send them a message on Facebook.

As for the BEGA members, he was sure the guys were just as clueless when it came to the matters of the body; except for the trusty Ming Ming. Her slutty presence would speed the education up a bit. Boris decided he needed a few more girls. After all, Ming Ming couldn't please every guy. That's when he remembered that Mystel was obsessing over this Mariah. She could be the perfect tool for his, well, DO-ing. Literally.

Now that he thought about it, he realized that Mystel was in fact quite a kinky son of a bitch. Boris shuddered when he recalled stumbling upon Mystel's hidden stash of pictures. There were poses and lack of clothing of Mariah that he didn't want to know about. In fact, it was best NOT to think about that day. But where exactly did he get those pictures from? That was a mystery.

Boris sighed and rubbed his temples. What sort of lessons would he teach? He had to start off with the basic stuff first; didn't want his students getting confused immediately. "Sex terms, STD's, positioning, protection, sex organs and hormones," Boris read aloud. "Oh and maybe a questions and answers segment to." He hurriedly wrote down the ideas and smiled to himself. What an achievement.

While he was patting himself on the back, a Playboy flew in the room through the open window. "Ah! This must be a sign! I should add porn to the list! Thank you random Playboy." He bent over to pick it up; he'll look through it later to see if there's much for educational material. Shoving it in his desk, he went back to work. "Is there anything else I should add? While I think, I'll go on Facebook and see if any of the three have responded yet…"

Boris pulled out his mini notepad, hopped onto the internet and loaded Facebook. He typed in his email address and password and waited for the site to load. Three messages awaited him. He clicked the messages button eagerly and read the messages. A broad smile crossed his face and he rubbed his hands gingerly together. "And now the fun begins," he proclaimed. Now to tell the students. This was the difficult part. He sighed. He just hoped this wouldn't be too painful.

.

_Later that day at the Blitzkrieg Boys Shack..._

"Bryan, did you get an email from Boris?" Tala asked his friend cautiously. He read what Boris wanted him to do for his friends and he figured he could, but how would they react?

"If you mean an email about sex education, then… yeah." Bryan sighed. Education always bored Bryan. What could possibly be fun about sex classes? He hoped it was a practical class.

"I got one too…" Ian frowned. "Is this required? This… "sex" thing sounds boring and slightly freaky." He shuddered.

Spencer, however, was afraid of the thought of his naïve teammates learning this stuff. There were certain things that Bryan, Ian, and Kai just should NOT know about. Speaking of Kai, where was he anyway? Did he get the email? Or was he simply sleeping in his big red car race bed?

Before Tala or Bryan could answer Ian, Kai came storming into the room. "HOLY FUCK, you guys! You'll NEVER believe what just happened to me!" His eyes were wide as saucers and he seemed to be in shock.

Bryan snickered. "What? Did you fall into the toilet?" He knew Kai had bad experiences bathroom-related and didn't hesitate to rub it in his face. He was, after all, the MASTER.

Kai shook his head. "No, not this time. Something even WEIRDER happened. So, I touched that weird looking… sausage thing between my legs and it felt good, and then this random white stuff just shot out like friggen magic dudes. What does it mean? Is it a curse? Have I been cursed?" He was growing more scared with each passing second. Did Garland the Magician curse him?

The three just looked at him like he was insane, which was obviously the case. Bryan spoke up again. "Was it hard?"

Kai looked at him. "Actually… it was! Has this happened to you too? Oh my god, are we both cursed?" His expression was beyond horrified now.

Bryan looked the opposite of horrified; in fact, he was feeling triumphant. "HA! I TOLD YOU IAN!"

Ian huffed. "Mine doesn't do that. Both of you obviously have broken… um, whatever they are!"

Kai gasped. How dare Ian call his sausage shaped thing broken! "It is not broken; you're just not doing it right. Here, let me show you."

Spencer HAD to speak up now. "Kai! Guys NEVER spank the monkey together!"

This comment made Kai frown. "Where's the monkey?"

Ian was confused as well. "WHAT MONKEY?"

Tala sighed. "Oh dear." This was going to be a long, painful conversation.

Bryan snorted. "Who said anything about a monkey Spencer? God, you are such a dumbass sometimes."

Spencer mentally slapped himself and hit Bryan. "It's another way of saying masturbate, Bryan."

Bryan whistled his awe. "That's a big word."

Kai blinked. "Mastur-what?"

Ian laughed. "I AM THE MASTER! … But what's the bait?"

.

_That same afternoon at the BEGA apartment..._

Brooklyn was busy staring at the screen his eyes wide open with awe. For the first time in his life he had received an email! No one ever emailed Brooklyn because they thought he was a creep. Brookyn opened the email and read the words aloud. "Sex classes..." Sex. Sounds tasty, Brooklyn thought. He replied to the email telling Boris he and his stupid teammates agreed to attend these sex classes. He hoped it was educational and involved cute animals.

Mystel ran into the room and threw himself at Brooklyn, knocking the poor guy out of his chair. He then picked himself up from Brooklyn and glanced at the message on the screen. His smirk widened. "YES SEX CLASSES!" He threw a fist into the air. This news delighted him. "Sounds good to me," he said aloud to no one in particular.

Brooklyn rubbed his sore head and stood up from the carpet. "Sex classes."

Mystel nodded. "Yes, I hope there's some practical stuff!" His eyes glazed over as disturbing mental images raced through his mind. He grinned. This was going to be very fun. As he drooled over possible topics, Ming Ming, Garland and Crusher entered the room. Garland wore his magician's robe and pointy wizard hat whilst the other two were dressed in normal clothes.

"Why the hell are you dressed in a magician's robe, Garland?" Ming Ming asked. She had to admit; he did look astonishingly sexy though. "It looks really good on you."

Garland forced a grin. "Thanks Ming Ming."

Mystel was too busy drooling to even notice Garland's clothing. Crusher on the other hand just shook his head sadly. Why on earth was he friends with these crazy people? Then he reminded himself that he too was crazy. He had a fetish for turnips. "We've got to attend Boris's sex education classes," Brooklyn said.

Garland frowned. "I thought we were going to a magic show?" He pulled out a wand from a pocket and waved it around in the air. Nothing happened.

Mystel finally snapped back to reality and answered Garland's question with a big smirk. "No, we're gonna get LAID!" He jumped up and down and ran around the room praising the God of Sex. His teammates exchanged worried glances. That boy had too many problems.

"I hope sex doesn't make us insane," Garland muttered. He put back his wand in his pocket and made his way to the door. "Ready for our first lesson?"

The BEGA members nodded. They were ready!

.

_Back at the Blitzkrieg Boys Shack..._

"Bryan, what are you doing?" Spencer asked, quite hesitantly too. Everyone knew Bryan was unpredictable, but even HE didn't know Bryan stripped. Bryan had pulled down his horrible pants ensuring everyone got a good view of his 'goods'.

Tala huffed. "I'M THE STRIPPER AROUND HERE. Don't copy me Bryan."

Bryan smirked. "You're just jealous Tala. Look at THIS!" He pulled his, ahem, sausage out of his pants.

Tala snickered. "Look, you're so puny, hehe."

Kai put his two inche-ahem, cents- in. "Mine is smaller."

Ian smiled wide. "I HAVE A MONSTER, BITCHES!"

Spencer couldn't help but smirk at this. "Please, I am the biggest here. You've heard of the rule, right?"

"… What rule?" Kai asked fearfully. He didn't like rules, they were scary.

"The rule is… if you're exceptionally big in an area, like your nose or feet, or hands, then you have a big dick."

"Dick? Who's that?" Kai asked, suspicious. He didn't like the sound of this "big dick". He didn't like the sound of this "big dick". Was it going to eat him? Or... was Big Dick the nasty RICHARD SIMMONS? How on earth did dick stand for Richard anyway?

Tala sighed. Kai was such a moron. "It's the sausage thing, you moron. The thing that is CURSED FOREVER KAI! FOREVER!" He then laughed evilly.

Spencer attempted to calm Kai down but failed. "Tala, stop it, you're scaring him! Kai, it's ok, you're not cursed."

Tala shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Size doesn't mean quality anyway."

Spencer pondered over this. "Touche, Tala. You might have the Leaning Tower of Pisa, but if you can't use it…" he drifted off, hoping his team would catch his meaning.

Tala frowned. "But I don't have the Leaning Tower of Pisa… that's in Italy."

Spencer facepalmed. Of course his team doesn't get it. Of course.

Kai lit up. "Hey! Even I knew that!" He smiled, for the first time since he arrived. Kai was surely smart.

"I didn't mean… oh, never mind, you're too stupid to understand. Go back to your pole dancing Tala." Spencer sighed. His teammates really were idiots.

Bryan hadn't said anything for some time. He was too busy admiring his "dick". Why would this thing be named after a person? Surely Spencer was kidding? He hoped so. Suddenly, he felt a VERY familiar sensation. "Weeeeeeeee."

Kai knew what that meant. He was well informed in toilet trouble related issues. "No, don't pee Bryan."

Too late. "I did a pee pee," Bryan's lip trembled.

The rest of the team decided to evacuate the room before Bryan leaked anything else.

.

Boris smirked. Perfect, I have the BEGA team on board, and the Blitzkrieg Boys are sure to follow. These two teams will become the most sexed up experts in the world, besides him of course! The only question was… could he do it?

And how long would it take?

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AquilaTempestas: Whoa it's been one year since we last updated this account, but we have good reasons. Both of us have been very busy with our own accounts and haven't had the chance to work on our collab stuff. But never fear, we are working on this story... and our other ones too.

Chocolatexloverx16: Yes, what she said! We shall have some time to plan (and horrors to write) just for you guys! Hope you like this one too! ^^


	2. All Hell Breaks Loose From Bryan's Ass

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Beyblade belong to Takao Aoki.

**Title**

Boris's Sex Class

**Summary**

Realizing he will never take over the world, Boris decides to educate the bladers in sexual matters. His first targets? Blitzkrieg Boys and BEGA.

**Authors**

chocolatexloverx16 and AquilaTempestas

**Special Thanks**

Poppies in July, Levells, Nirianne, Kiray Himawari, Norweg91 and Toaneo07 Ver2.0 for reviewing :D We hope you enjoy the next crazy chapter!

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**Chapter Two: All Hell Breaks Loose From Bryan's Posterior End**

It was a pretty stressful time for a certain frigid male. He had peed all over the carpet floor and stunk out the entire room. His bottom lip continued to tremble. What on earth was he going to do? Before he could act accordingly (aka run away screaming), he felt a deep a rumble in his stomach. Oh no. It was time to take a crap. Now for many this would not be a problem, but Bryan was a very special child.

At this point in time, Kai bravely entered the room to check on Bryan. Kai stared in horror at the face Bryan was making. It was his pooping face. The infamous big fat vein popped out in Bryan's forehead and Kai knew he didn't have much time. He ran next door with as much speed as he could muster and quickly put on his clown shoes and attached his superhero cape. He grabbed the inflatable potty reserved for emergencies, and this was definitely an emergency. Kai did his best to avoid the wet spots in the carpet, tiptoeing around them cautiously and set the toilet up right behind Bryan's posterior end.

He sighed in relief, glad he wasn't too late with this pooping dilemma. Unfortunately, he paid the ultimate sacrifice and had gotten his clown shoes soaked. An overwhelming sense of fear overcame him. He may never be able to wear his precious clown shoes again! Oh the horror! He struggled to think under the pressure. Perhaps he could get Boris to buy him more colourful clown shoes? Hopefully the shoes would match his superhero cape made out of pillow cases. They better have polka dots on them too, or else he'd cry. At least his precious sparkly glow in the dark pillow case cape came through the horror unscathed.

His thoughts about his matching cape and clown shoes were interrupted by Tala, who was lingering by the doorway asking if the danger had passed. Kai nodded, but advised Tala to 'hold his nose' just in case the worst thing happened. The Houdini Dump. Just thinking about it caused Kai to shudder. He recalled one time when he had the bathroom right after Bryan, and he found a surprise waiting for him in the toilet. It was as if it was SMILING at him, beckoning him closer. Forgetting his reason for going in the bathroom in the first place, he ran out, hands on his ass trying to hold it in, hoping to find the next available toilet.

He shuddered again, clearing the memory from his mind. Bryan crapped in the inflatable loo and sighed happily. It was such a good feeling releasing a crap. It certainly made him feel several kilos lighter. He patted his belly and stood up from the loo. Time to pull up the pants! During this horrible time, Tala called Boris.

_... at Boris' shack of sexy hot lovin'..._

Boris picked up the phone with fear. He hoped it wasn't the telemarketers again. "Hello, Boris speaking," he said.

"Hi Boris, this is Tala. Just letting you know none of us can drive so do you think you can pick us up?" In the background Boris heard some very disturbing noises. He couldn't quite pinpoint what the exact noise was, but he was positive he heard some quacking.

Boris frowned. "Sure, I'll come over right away." Before Tala could reply, Boris placed the phone down and hurried to get ready. Before picking them up, Boris had to ensure he looked fantastic! Being naturally sexy was quite difficult. Every day, Boris spent at least three hours in his homebuilt gym working on maintaining his six pack. He would not let his strong abs turn into flab! In addition to this, Boris used a very expensive male moisturiser to keep his skin looking young and healthy. Now that his beauty routine was done, it was time to hop into the van that only smexalicious purple-haired sex gods could drive and pick the troubled teenagers up.

The van was once used to sell ice-cream, but with determination Boris managed to turn it into a Van of Love. He kept many important sexual items in there including a variety of condoms, dildos for the ladies (and weird guys) and lubricant. Of course, Boris hadn't completely abandoned the ice-creams - he kept a mini esky in there for hot summer days. He hopped into the van, started the engine and drove off towards the Blitzkrieg Boys shack. What terror would he face?

.

Garland drove his dumb teammates to Boris's house which was appropriately called the 'Shack of Love'. Why it was called a shack, Garland did not know because the 'shack' was actually a mansion. A mansion surrounded by many gnomes. You see, Boris had a gnome fetish. "The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round..." Brooklyn sung. He unbuttoned his shirt.

Ming Ming frowned. She was the singer; she should be the one singing the stupid song, not her dumb (but sexy) teammate! Brooklyn was now shirtless and sadly, there was nothing to see. No abs. Just very pale white skin and a bellybutton that faced outwards. Garland shuddered. He felt bile rushing up. "Put your shirt back on Brooklyn!" he snapped.

Brooklyn frowned, but obeyed. Messing with the magician would not be a good move. "Are you excited for sex lessons?"

Mystel nodded and flashed the ginger a big smirk. "Hells yeah!" He couldn't WAIT to get started! In addition to his jumping and hanging upside down like a bat abilities, Mystel was highly skilled in sex. Unfortunately, he wasn't skilled in anything else. His sole purpose on earth was to get laid and spread his demonic seed to ALL the poor unfortunate females.

Whilst everyone else was distracted with various things, Crusher pulled out his precious turnip and stroked it gently whilst cooing. Everyone within earshot just stared at him in pity, but he ignored it. They were just jealous of his beloved turnip. "Get your own turnip!" he snapped, glaring at them. His friends exchanged worried glances and shrugged. What the hell? They were all crazy! And so they continued their drive to Boris's Shack of Love.

.

Boris cleared his throat and made his way to the front door of the Blitzkrieg Boys shack. He noticed their garden was in awful shape – weeds everywhere and they were covering the gnomes he had given to them as a gift! This was unacceptable! He was about to knock on the door when he heard weird noises coming from within. He stopped. Was this really such a good idea? Perhaps he should've made them catch the bus. He then remembered the B Boys were scared of bus drivers and their funny uniforms. "Hello!" Boris shouted, knocking on the door.

Tala pressed his ear against the door and giggled softly to himself. "Hi Boris, glad you've arrived." He unlocked the door and let the world's sexiest man inside. This truly was a great moment! "The rest of the crew are inside." He snickered again and scratched his butt.

Boris really regretted his decision to pick them up. The scene before him was...beyond horrific. Even the Teletubbies combined with the Tweenies wasn't as horrific as this! Bryan was currently sitting on an inflatable toilet and playing with his... well, you know what. Kai was cowering under the table sucking on his thumb, with his pathetic pillow cape wrapped around him. "Hey SookFace! Bam Bam! The Big Man has arrived!" Tala shouted.

Kai frowned. "SookFace?"

Tala nodded. "Yeah, you make a sulky face."

Bryan raised an eyebrow. "Bam Bam?" What was that, a codename for a pornstar?

Tala sighed. "You're Bam Bam because you always knock things out of your way by banging into things," he said. These boys were really slow. They were so lucky to have someone as smart as Tala around.

Boris cautiously entered the living room and almost hurled. He had a creeping suspicion the brown stuff on the carpet was brown poo from Bryan's buttocks. "Er..." He was speechless. What could he say?

Bryan grinned. "I have a dirty joke to share with you all." He grinned proudly.

Ian ran into the room and clapped his hands excitedly. "What's the joke?" He loved jokes.

Bryan took in a deep breath. "The boy fell in the mud." He then threw his head back and cackled loudly. What genius! Surely, he was well on the way to becoming a fully fledged comedian! "Did you like my joke, Boris?"

Boris shook his head sadly. "You are not a comedian Bryan; don't ever think of venturing down that path." People would laugh _at _Bryan, not _with _him. The poor sodding git. "Now, I've come here to pick you up and drive you to your first sex education class."

"Will it be fun?" Kai asked The Big Man. Kai certainly hoped so. Maybe they'd play all sorts of fun games, like charades. He was talented at charades. "Do we get to play games Boris?" He smiled cutely at the purple haired sex god.

Boris sighed, knowing full well which types of games Kai liked. He sure worried about that boy's sanity. "We'll see how you do in my classes first Kai." He patted Kai on the head in a reassuring way. "By the way, where is Spencer?"

Tala shrugged. "I haven't seen him since Bryan leaked on the carpet. Maybe he ran away." He snickered to himself. Spencer wasn't as brave as he was.

Ian shook his head. Tala was such a moron. "Spencer is over here, are you blind Tala? Jeez." Spencer was sitting in the corner next to Ian, because that was the safest part of the room. Too bad Tala didn't think of it. Ian guessed it was because Tala just wasn't very smart either.

Spencer sighed. "Why would I run away? Bryan just had an accident is all. Nothing to scream about."

Kai giggled. "But you screamed the loudest Spencer. You almost made my ears bleed."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"DID TOO!"

"DID NOT!"

"DID TO-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Bryan shouted at the two immature brats. He usually wouldn't swear so angrily, but he was still hurt by Boris' comment. How dare he not think the joke was funny! Boris just doesn't appreciate his sense of humour.

Boris rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically. "Ok, children, let's go shall we? We are wasting precious time!" The Big Man led the children out to the Van of Love.

The boys all climbed into the van and Kai immediately opened an esky and discovered some funny coloured balloons. Kai frowned. He didn't know Boris was a clown. "Cool balloons!" Kai commented, picking one of the 'balloons' up.

Boris slapped Kai's hand away from the 'balloons'. "Don't touch those! They're for class, now leave them alone." Kai was such a troublesome child.

Tala giggled at Kai's face. "Oh, don't tell me you're going to cry! This is just priceless!" Kai's eyes welled up with tears, and Tala damn near had a laughing attack. This was just precious!

Bryan walked across the van, for the Van of Love was of impressive length, and he smacked Tala twice. "BAM BAM!" Bryan yelled in Tala's shocked face. His work done with Tala, he walked over to Kai, and messed up his hair. "Don't worry my young grasshopper; I would've done the same thing."

Spencer and Ian were, yet again, in the corner. Obviously the corner is the safest place wherever you are and they didn't plan to move anytime soon.

Boris frowned at the commotion behind him. A sobbing Kai was in Bryan's hold, Tala was about to cry, and the other two were hiding in the corner. Time to step things up a notch. "Hold on to your seats boys!" Before they could question or object, he slammed down on the gas pedal. He knew they were going way over the speed limit, but he didn't care. Boris wanted to get some space from these pathetic teenagers and FAST. However, luck was not on his side.

Sirens were heard and Boris slammed his foot on the brake causing the car to come to a sudden halt. The sudden stop sent the boys flying forward but no damage was done. Boris opened his window and waited for the officer to speak to him. "Boris, what a surprise," said the female voice.

Boris's mouth dropped open with awe and shock. There was only one person that could be. His sexy partner. Juicy Judy. "Hi Judy."

Judy licked her lips saucily. "I'm afraid I have to give you a speeding ticket, Boris," she winked. He knew fully well what that piece of code meant. Judy handed him the ticket. "I'll be seeing you in the very near future..." she winked again and walked away. Boris pocketed the ticket and hurriedly sped home. Upon his arrival, he noticed the BEGA team were already waiting outside.

He stopped the van, hurried the boys out and greeted his other team. "Glad you could all make it," he said, unlocking the door to his 'shack'. All the students fidgeted with excitement and they eagerly ran inside and made themselves comfortable on the floor. Before Boris could issue an order, Brooklyn and Garland raced to the middle of the room and glared at each other

It was time for a big epic fight! Brooklyn and Garland stood facing each other in the middle of the room with no shirts and no pants. Actually, the two boys lacked any form of clothing. All parts were completely visible. Mystel hurried over and stood in between the two, a huge smirk plastered on his face. "Okay boys, you know the drill. Whoever loses their erection first loses. The loser must then run up and down the street singing a song about pigs."

Ming Ming put her hand up in the air. "Can I play?" she asked sweetly.

Mystel shook his head. "You need a dick to play Ming Ming."

Ming Ming sighed. "Aww darn."

Mystel continued to explain the rules. "Anyway boys, the winner gets a blowjob from Ming Ming."

Brooklyn's eyes widened with fear. "A blowjob? What needs blowing?"

Garland raised an eyebrow. "Does it hurt?"

"Why?" asked Ming Ming.

Mystel sighed. "Practice for our sex class of course!"

Ming Ming sighed. "Alright, for the sake of education."

Garland and Brooklyn grabbed hold of their 'little friend' and prepared to duel. Brooklyn struck first and connected with Garland's own. Garland swung back and soon, they were engaged in a very violent 'sword fight'. The fight became very violent and Mystel was forced to intervene before 'swords' were broken. "Hey!" He rushed in between the two. "Chillax!"

Kai frowned. "Chillax?"

"It means chill out and relax," Tala responded, for he was smart. Really.

Garland and Brooklyn were at their aggressive peak and did not like Mystel interfering. The two exchanged understanding glances and immediately attacked Mystel. With their swords, of course.

Mystel screamed. "WHAT THE FUCK?" He covered his face from the attacks, and wished it was just a bad dream. Unfortunately, Mystel was just not that lucky, and Brooklyn stabbed his abs. Garland knew where his vulnerable spot was, and attacked Mystel's 'sword'. Mystel made a weird noise that confused his attackers, but Boris and Spencer knew what it was.

It meant that Mystel was getting turned on.

Suddenly, 'baby, baby, baby, ohhhhh' echoed throughout the house. It could only mean one thing. Someone was at the door. Kai and Bryan ran to answer the door. Two funny dressed men in penguin suits smiled. The tall blond male with a goofy grin waved. "Hi, I'm Enrique!"

His taller companion, a male with purple hair, did not share the same amusement. "And I'm Robert."

"We would love to sell you some Viagra!" Enrique smiled. "In addition, you get a free pineapple!" He pulled out a pineapple and dangled it in front of the boys.

Robert cleared his throat. "And because we're such lovely people, we're throwing in a giant jar of peanut butter too." He held a large jar of peanut butter in front of their faces watching them drool. He smiled smugly. No one could resist the peanut butter. No one.

Boris felt threatened! NO PURPLE HAIRED MAN WAS ALLOWED TO SELL STUFF ON HIS PROPERTY! "I will not purchase such inferior products!" he stated.

Kai tugged on Boris's sleeve jacket. "But Boris, he has a jar of peanut butter..." Peanut butter was delicious and very useful. When he was a young lad and afraid of orange juice, Kai had used peanut butter as a weapon. He threw it at the people who tried to get him to drink orange juice.

Boris shook his head. "No Kai."

Kai nodded sadly, and stuck his thumb in his mouth. Disappointed, Robert and Enrique turned to leave. Perhaps they would have better luck elsewhere. Disturbed by the craziness of his students, Boris pulled out his iPhone and created a new message. He needed some immediate help and who better to ask from theDarkness?

.

AquilaTempestas: Our fastest update yet! It's a miracle! The next chapter will be out sometime during Christmas and because of the special occasion we are asking you what you would like to see in the next Christmas sexed themed chapter. More toilet related humour? Sword-fighting? Strip poker? Leave your suggestions : D Oh, and tell us what you liked best about this chapter!

Chocolatexloverx16: Is this sexed/messed up enough for everyone? :D And yes, please do tell us how to make it REALLY special for the next chapter, hehe *uses puppy dog eyes* pwease?


	3. Cajones and Ordure

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Beyblade belong to Takao Aoki.

**Title**

Boris's Sex Class

**Summary**

Realizing he will never take over the world, Boris decides to educate the bladers in sexual matters. His first targets? Blitzkrieg Boys and BEGA.

**Authors**

chocolatexloverx16 and AquilaTempestas

**Special Thanks**

Erm... so chapter came out much later than we originally planned, but hey – that's real life getting in the way and disrupting our plans again. Please forgive us!

So big thanks to Levells, Toaneo07 Ver2.0, ana-chan, imma-pink-buble and Indigo Oblivion for surviving the horrors of chapter two. Enjoy the (delayed) chapter!

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**Chapter Three: Cajones and Ordure**

A man heavily clothed in black robes stood at the door. He looked fat and large, but he was actually quite skinny. Underneath his robes he wore cushions to make him appear bigger so he could feel much manlier. After all, thin lanky guys were pathetic... or at least, that's what he assumed. In his hands were two large boxes. "Here I am Boris," the man spoke, his voice deep and hoarse.

Boris smiled. "Voltaire, it's good to see you pal!" He walked forward and clapped Voltaire on the shoulder. Real men didn't give nor receive hugs.

Voltaire frowned, and bitch-slapped Boris. "Please call me theDarkness," he said, pointing at his robes. "I don't dress in black for fun you know."

Boris chuckled lightly, and bitch-slapped theDarkness back. "You are still hilarious."

The Blitzkrieg Boys and BEGA members could do nothing but watch as the two adult men conversed. Scratch that, Bryan decided to bitch-slap Kai for the fun of it. His response was a shriek worthy of a little girl deprived of a precious doll. Tala smirked and bitch-slapped Bryan, and enjoyed the way he screamed as if he had lost his Dora forever.

Before Bryan could react further, in a way the Blitzkrieg Boys were all too familiar with, theDarkness strutted over to them. Kai cowered in fear. theDarkness probably wanted to check if he had grown some balls yet... or grown a brain at least. "So, where is my pathetic grandson?" theDarkness asked, surveying the room with his hawk like eyes.

Kai squeaked in utmost terror as his grandfather's eyes rested on him. "Uh... hi grandfather."

theDarknesswalked over, dropped the two large boxes and looked deeply into Kai's eyes. "Have you grown some balls yet?" he demanded loudly, bringing his face up very close. The tip of his nose touched Kai's own nose.

Kai blinked, confused by his big words. "What are balls?" He immediately thought of big round bouncy balls and smiled at the thought.

theDarkness bitch-slapped his grandson, wiping that silly smile off Kai's pathetic face. "I see you are still a little boy." He shook his head sadly. "Where did I go wrong..." Unable to look at Kai for much longer, he turned away and faced Boris. "I want a grandson dammit. Who else is going to take over my childcare business?" Surely someone who is skilled in the ways of bitch-slapping? It is the most important value theDarkness is teaching his beloved children. He bent over and picked up a box and handed it to Boris.

Boris wasn't in the mood to talk about such things so he changed the topic. "What's inside these?" Boris asked, bringing his face close to the box. It smelled like food. Burgers specifically.

"Happy Meals and Big Meals," theDarkness replied. "Happy Meals for the men with little toys and Big Meals for the big boys," he added with a wink. "You know what I speak of."

Kai giggled excitedly. "Yay, I love Happy Meals! But I've always wanted to try the Big Meal, can I grandfather, can I?"

theDarkness shook his head. "No, young Kai. You are too small. Unsatisfactory," theDarkness added as an afterthought. "You are forbidden to have the Big Meals until your balls have come in."

Kai pouted. It wasn't his fault he wasn't big enough!

He was still pouting when he was given his Happy Meal, but that pout went away soon enough. Kai found the only things capable of cheering him up: mustard and tomato sauce! He grinned, and set to work at lathering the two condiments all over himself. Kai always knew this task was enjoyable, but he never knew just _how_ pleasurable it was to rub stuff all over his body.

Bryan's face could only be described as amazed. Kai sure had a way with sauces! Too bad not everyone felt the same way he did though. Mystel, for instance, could only point and laugh at the oblivious little boy who was lost in his own little world. How pathetic.

Boris shook his head, troubled at the pitiful sight before him. Where did they go wrong with him? It was times like these where he wondered why he even bothered with the boy… but then he reminded himself that the pure sexiness he radiates _will_ reach Kai, eventually, and teach him what being a man is all about.

Ian was beyond horrified. It was as if Kai was possessed or something! He was slathering himself in the two sauces, and making these weird moaning sounds. Was something the matter with him? Maybe he was sick or something.

Ming Ming gasped. She just couldn't believe how… incredibly HOT Kai looked, covered in condiments. She unconsciously licked her lips. Damn, he looked _delicious_.

theDarkness sighed, rubbing his temples. "Now do you see why Kai did not win the beyblading championships?" Yet again he was truly, deeply ashamed of his grandson. The grandson of theDarkness really should be manly!

Crusher smiled to himself. The boy strode over to Kai's Happy Meal and helped himself to the mustard and tomato sauce. He grinned at Kai, and began to copy the other boy's movements. Soon enough, Crusher was completely covered from head to toe-and everywhere in between-and almost out-sauced Kai himself.

Unfortunately, this meant that Kai was outraged. How could _anyone_ out-sauce him? He glared at Crusher's grinning face and he knew this could only mean one thing…

This was war.

While Crusher and Kai fought, Brooklyn and Garland's sword fight ceased. Instead, the two boys opted to attack Mystel instead. The crazy blond was cackling madly. He enjoyed it... a little too much. Boris thought it was time to bring in some order immediately. He stomped over, grabbed a baseball and threw it at Mystel's nether regions. "ARGH!" Mystel yelped, dropping to the ground and curling up into a fetal position.

Boris dusted his hands and sighed heavily. "I am sorry Voltaire for their rudeness."

theDarkness shrugged. "No it's perfectly alright." He paused then spoke again, "It's theDarkness, remember?"

Boris cleared his throat sexily. "Anyway, the reason you're here…" The Sexy Man glanced at his pupils. "It's because of my students, correct? Something they were supposed to show you?"

theDarkness nodded. "Yes. I need to monitor their progress." Voltaire assumed his most badass stance that was feared by all (hands on hips fingers pointing towards crotch), and ordered everyone to line up from most manly to least manly.

He strolled over to Boris, the manliest of all his apprentices, first. "Keep your pants on for now; I'm sure I'll need the pick-me-up when I'm done here."

Next he strode up to Spencer. "Alright, drop your pants. I need to ensure that you're coming well along into your manhood. Show me the goods!" Spencer immediately obeyed, since he knew theDarkness was THE biggest badass of all. theDarkness leaned closer to Spencer's package and made a humming sound. "Looks decent. Finally, someone who is not a complete disappointment!" theDarkness cheered slightly. Spencer, however, almost fell over in shock. theDarkness NEVER said such nice things to him!

Mystel was next. Mainly because he cut in line, but that did not matter. theDarkness ordered him to drop his pants as well. "Show me the goods!" Mystel hastily dropped his pants and boxers as fast as possible. He was quite eager to show off his manhood, as he knew it was impressive. theDarkness really invaded Mystel's private space to inspect, but neither seemed to mind. The only person that did not like it was Spencer, who was extremely jealous of the closeness.

"This… is just… amazing! Where have you been all my life, boy?" theDarkness barely managed to ask through his amazement. This Mystel was a true miracle for us all! Mystel smirked, proud of his package and everything it has given him in life. Meanwhile, Spencer sulked right where he was. Whatever happened to him being amazing?

Shortly thereafter, theDarkness found his way to the one, the only, Kai. He frowned at his grandson, not wanting to see what was under his belt. Or rather, what was _not_ under his belt. He sighed. "Drop your pants little boy. Let's just get this over with." Kai fumbled with the button on his pants... or at least tried to. He couldn't find the zipper. Then it hit him – he had put on his pants backwards! That explained why he couldn't take them off. At first he had thought the makers of his pants had tried to trap him in those pants!

theDarkness scrunched up his nose in disgust. His pitiful grandson actually put his pants on backwards! He couldn't believe he was _related_ to this... shameful human being! However, to speed things along, he decided to help his grandson remove his backward pants. After a couple seconds of theDarkness's help, all was revealed. Kai really didn't have much to show at all, but theDarkness was prepared for that. "Tsk tsk, I'm utterly disappointed in you Kai. I really thought you would have grown SOMETHING by now. Maybe a fifth of a ball… or _something_! I have nothing to say to you right now. Just put your pants back on."

Ming Ming raised her hand and asked sweetly, "May I go next?"

theDarkness sighed, and walked casually over to the lone girl of the group. "Well, let's see what you've got, girl. Pull your pants down for me." The girl did as requested, and slowly yet seductively stripped out of her pants.

Amazingly, she had a dick.

Fake of course, but still a dick.

theDarkness wasn't sure what to think. What a bizarre girl. Next, he turned to face Tala, Garland and Brooklyn as Ian was too busy rolling around on the floor trying to lick his elbow. "Pants down."

Tala hastily unzipped his pants and pulled out his goods immediately. Underwear didn't exist in his world; he preferred the all natural feeling. As for Garland, he liked wearing thongs and strangely, so did Brooklyn. Unfortunately, these boys were quite unimpressive, but at least Tala scored a decent mark.

Finally, it was Bryan's turn.

"Pants down boy!" Bryan, like Kai, had trouble removing his pants but at least he managed to put them on the right way. After a few seconds of fumbling, he took them off and pulled out his sausage, fastening his fist around it and waving it around in the air like a flag. Voltaire winced. "Stop that!"

Bryan nodded. "Sorry."

theDarkness brought his face down close and shook his head. "How puny!" What was wrong with this generation of male teenagers? Barely any of these boys were ready to become men! They were an insult to the race of men! Before he could complain further, a loud knock on the door grabbed his attention.

All the boys (and Ming Ming), stopped their activities and turned their attention to the door. Bryan's bottom lip trembled again, but luckily he didn't poop. However, Kai, unable to contain his excitement, let one rip. Literally. "Oh no, I ripped my pants!" Kai complained, glancing down at the huge rip in front of his crotch.

Tala threw his head back and laughed. "Ha ha, Kai ripped his pants."

Even Bryan cracked a grin. "Now you know how I feel when I take a crap at random moments." He placed a hand over his chest and nodded solemnly. An animation of him placing his fat, hairy pale ass on the portable loo played in his mind. Beautiful times. Beautiful times indeed.

"Someone, open the door!" Garland snapped.

Tala decided to be a man and strolled up to the door, his chest puffed out. He placed his hand on the knob and turned it anti-clockwise. It was a weird knob. "Hello... Matilda?" he asked, his voice raising an octave higher as his eyes fixed on the girl in front of him.

Matilda smiled up at him and batted her eyelashes. "I'm badass!" she said then bitchslapped Tala in the face. "That's all I wish to say." She turned away from the door and skipped away down the street, humming a tune about sexy ripped men dancing in the rain pulling random dance moves under her breath. If only it was a reality.

Tala was gobsmacked. What on earth had just happened to him? Had he just been bitchslapped by a midget girl? The nerve of the girl! Why, if he were a man-er _wo_man- he would bitchslap her back to Mars!

Before he could protest, he felt a strong hand grasp his shoulder tightly. "Now that's how a bitchslap is done!" Voltaire said, smiling widely. "Learning anything yet boys?" He closed the door and walked back into the living room where Kai was now sniffing his fingers. What a disgusting s.l.o.b! Silly lazy obese bastard! "Take those fingers away from your face Kai! Don't you know it's rude to sniff your own buttocks in public with a room full of guys and a girl?"

Kai hung his head down in shame. He obviously inherited the loser gene from his grandmother's side. "I'm sorry grandfather." He didn't dare look up from the ground and meet Voltaire's eyes. He was too ashamed.

Feeling bile rise up within, Voltaire turned away from Kai and looked at Boris. "I think it's time to teach these boys how to masturbate correctly." His eyes twinkled with excitement. It was time for these boys to become MEN.

Mystel grinned. Finally, something he was good at! He glanced at the other boys judging their expressions. They were fearful, nervous and just a tad bit confused. What on earth was masturbation anyway?

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_Meanwhile... trouble was brewing..._

Robert and Enrique returned to their home base which was under the smelly bridge where Johnny made his second home. Once the two boys arrived, they removed their penguin suits and joined Oliver and Johnny on the ground. "We've got a problem boys," Robert said, glancing at his friends a worried expression on his face.

"What's the problem?" Johnny asked, removing his shirt for no reason. Unfortunately, there was nothing to see but fat.

Robert sighed. "Johnny, please put your shirt back on. Only remove it if you have something worth showing." He patted his stomach proudly and slowly removed his shirt.

Johnny mumbled under his breath and put his shirt back on. He looked at Robert's now naked torso and dropped his mouth open. "Whoa..." Robert was ripped! Flat stomach, hard abs... he was jealous!

"You've got awhile to go before you catch up to Boris," Enrique said, pulling out a 'World's Sexiest Men' pocket calendar from the year before. He turned to the first page which showed Boris posing and doing weights, showing off his incredibly sexy physique. Enrique felt a little flustered just looking at him. How could he be so sexy? And there was no chest hair at all!

Robert glared at Enrique. "I am much sexier than Boris, but he doesn't know it. Not yet anyway, but we shall change that. We need _her _help."

At the mention of _her, _the other Majestics looked at each other nervously. "Not _her,"_ Oliver commented, pressing his thumbs together uneasily.

Robert grinned. "We need firepower and she's the best. She can take Boris."

Johnny nodded, pleased with Robert's evil idea. "Alright, it's a plan." All four boys stood up from the dirty ground and prepared to chase down their weapon. Times were going to change. But would they change for the better?

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AquilaTempestas: My partner and I changed writing roles for this chapter. Guess who wrote what? Hehe. As for the insanity... there's still a lot more where that came from – we don't plan to push boundaries, we plan to break them.

chocolatexloverx16: Yay! We finished this chapter! *dances around in the rain with Genie Tala* So happy :D Hope you guys all like this update!


	4. Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Beyblade belong to Takao Aoki.

**Title**

Boris' Sex Class

**Summary**

Realizing he will never take over the world, Boris decides to educate the bladers in sexual matters. His first targets? Blitzkrieg Boys and BEGA.

**Authors**

chocolatexloverx16 and AquilaTempestas

**Special Thanks**

Just another round of complete totally perverted insanity! It's been way too long since we updated!

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**Chapter Four: Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor**

Clothes were very restricting. They hid the human figure. Okay, so some people needed to be hidden from the world, but why did the shapely good looking ones have to wear such articles of cloth that hide their goods? This made Lee very angry. So angry he started bellydancing shows in the nude for free as a way of protesting. The majority of the population would run away in terror as soon as he started stripping, but some people stayed to watch – in fact, some even _joined in _the fun.

Mariah stood at the sidelines, watching her brother dance. He truly was a disgusting specimen – how in the hells were they related anyway? But no matter how vile and crude he was, she could not avert her gaze. There was just something about the way he moved that was intriguing.

"Clothes are restricting! Burn them all!" Lee shouted, swaying his hips back and forth.

Kevin was mesmerized by the nakedness of Lee. He was so brave for doing this. "Lee is a champion," he mumbled in awe, "look at the way he moves those hips."

"What do you think, Gary?"

Gary grunted.

"I think he likes what he sees."

Gary grunted again, then scratched his head in an ape-like fashion. "Yup, you are right Kevin. He's happy."

Rei had to admit; Lee _was _pretty good at this. How he became this good was a mystery, but Rei was afraid to ask. He didn't want to know all the nitty gritty details about Lee's 'strange' activities and fetishes. "I wish he wouldn't touch himself like that though, he's going to scare all the children."

"Scared is an understatement. I think 'scarred for life' is a better term," Mariah replied, pointing to a group of five year olds randomly dressed in Beiber outfits standing nearby. One girl pointed at Lee's 'sausage' and screamed.

Kevin and Gary walked up to Mariam, and Gary grunted at her. She raised an eyebrow, and glanced at Kevin.

"What did he say?"

"He wants to pour condiments all over your body."

"What?"

Gary grunted again. Kevin began to look embarrassed. "Oh, I'm sorry. What he actually said is that he wants to have sex with you."

Mariam lifted a brow. "Well, why didn't he just say so?" She looked in Gary's direction, looked up and down, and licked her lips.

Kevin frowned. "He did..."

Not wanting to carry this pointless conversation on, Mariam grabbed Gary's hand and led him towards her treehouse. "You and I are going to have lots of fun, big boy." She winked again, as Gary grunted, equally as excited.

Mariah watched the new couple walk off down the street towards Mariam's treehouse, and shook her head. "Damn bitch, should've burned her treehouse ages ago. How dare she take Gary away for some boning?" Not that she was jealous of Mariam sleeping with Gary; she was jealous at the fact Mariam was going to get laid right now while she was stuck watching her idiotic brother make a fool out of himself.

Life just wasn't fair.

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The Majestics were currently at the pizza shop feasting on a giant pizza. It was a ham and pineapple pizza ordered only because Enrique wanted the pineapples for his collection. Once the pizza was done, (and once Enrique was done counting his pineapple pieces), Robert lifted a hand and pointed a finger to the sky super hero style. "We must venture to the home of Judy and seek out her help!" He marched forwards leading his fellow friends out the pizza joint and through the streets.

They walked past a pineapple shop and Enrique just had to stop. He looked at the beautiful pineapples, a blob of drool dripping down his mouth. "Pineapples!" Although he already had some pineapple pieces with him, he knew one pineapple collector could never have enough pineapple pieces.

Robert rolled his eyes. "Pineapples are nowhere near as awesome as peanut butter sandwiches. Get over your stupid obsession, Enrique. We all know peanut butter sandwiches give people godly bodies." To prove his point, he lifted up his shirt revealing his firm six pack. Johnny looked away, muttering to himself about 'purple haired show offs' while Oliver simply gushed over his fine physique.

One of these days he hoped to look just like Robert... only with green hair of course. But damn, he had a fine body. Oliver made a mental note in his head to go on a peanut butter sandwich diet as soon as this crazy scenario was over and done with. "Where do you think Judy would be?" Judy was a strange lady of many talents. On Mondays and Tuesdays, she taught science to highschool kids. On Wednesdays she visited the elderly and read stories to them. On Thursdays, she went to the gym and took aerobic classes. On Fridays, she shopped. On Saturdays, she worked as a hooker. And on Sundays, she relaxed at home preparing herself for the following week while bonding with her son.

"Well, it is Thursday so she will be at the gym," Robert said, pleased at this fact. It meant another day to show off his fabulous toned body to his fellow classmates. Johnny, on the other hand, was not as thrilled. He hated the gym. Being surrounded by incredibly fit people was not good for his low self-confidence.

But who was he to argue with the mighty Lord Robert?

So, he dug his hands into his pockets and followed their leader towards the gym.

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Boris was beginning to lose his patience. These lessons were progressing at an incredibly slow pace. Snail pace. It was not good. If he wanted to become an excellent teacher and prove to the world he was good at other things than being incredibly sexy, then he had to ensure these boys (and girl) were educated! "We are going to talk about masturbation now."

Ian screamed. "That's a big word! I don't like big words." He ran out of the room screaming at the top of his lungs like a little girl who had just been kicked in the shin by a nasty hobgoblin holding a large candy bar. The other beybladers looked at each other with concern and fear.

"I'm scared, Boris," Bryan said.

"Me too," said Kai.

"Babies," Spencer spat. He was big and strong, a word with more than six letters didn't scare him for he was very brave!

Boris wanted to scream. Not like a little girl of course; he was all man. He wanted to let out a primal scream of anger and frustration. These people were stupid! "What's another word for masturbation?" he wondered aloud, stroking his chin. "Hmm..."

Boris decided that desperate times called for desperate measures. He sighed, and told his class, "Since you don't seem to understand what masturbation is," he grimaced at the gasps of fear, "I'll just have to show you." He reached down and started unzipping his pants. He was about to get to the good part when the door fell down. Another purple haired man entered the room. Boris' eyes narrowed. "How dare you enter without my permission!"

The other man looked at Boris, and almost fell over in shock. "I... uh... Boris! I did not expect to see you here... I mean... I thought..."

"Get out of here, Barthez! This is my class! These are my students! Mine!" Barthez nodded and left the room almost in tears. Boris muttered, and zipped back up his pants. Showtime would have to be saved for later, he was no longer in the mood for fun. It was back to business. "I'm sorry, class. We will have to save this session for later. We shall move onto-"

"Magic show!" Garland bellowed.

"No!" Boris shot down his suggestion.

Garland pouted, then perked up again. "I can play my harmonica!"

Boris rubbed his temples dramatically. Was there no possible way to get through to these idiotic pests? Well, if there is, he'll find one! "No harmonica playing!"

"Cabbage!" Kai shouted.

"No way," Tala said, slapping Kai, "I hate that stuff."

Boris glared at Kai. "No!"

"Genies!" Tala declared.

"NO!" Boris roared. His patience was beginning to wear thin. Boy... he wasn't getting paid enough for this shit. He'd be making more cash being a janitor, but that was Barthez's job. He was above that trash.

Bryan opened his mouth to speak.

"NO! NOT A CHANCE IN HELL!" Boris screamed ferociously.

Bryan's mouth closed, pout forming on his lips. All he wanted to say was that he needed to use the potty. He whimpered, and hung his head low, clammy hands resting in his lap. He _really _needed to crap. Desperately. And it was going to be a big one, he could feel it. The air around Bryan was beginning to smell; Tala and the others moved away... all except Kai. He knew what was about to happen.

Time to get the emergency equipment! Putting on his clown shoes, Kai raced back to where the portable loo was. No one knew why Kai reserved clown shoes for situations like these, but he did. He returned just as quick just in time for Bryan to pull his pants down (it took awhile too because Bryan got a little confused). Anyway, Kai saved Bryan from humiliating himself.

"Crisis averted," Kai said, giving himself a high-five with his other hand.

"Thank you, Kai," said Bryan.

"So Boris, what's next?" Mystel asked.

Boris wasn't sure. Teaching a class of these scoundrels was draining him of inspiration. What would One Direction do in this situation? Hmm...

.

Kenny ushered the three ladies into his room, and directed them to the green screen. "Now, Julia, Matilda and Queen... you know what you have to do right? Remember what I told you – the more revealing, the better your pay. We need to make this look good for the calendar." Kenny pointed at Julia, then pointed to the centre of the stage. "That's where you will pose, Julia. Hands behind your head. Look sexy."

Julia huffed. "I always look sexy."

"Ok Chief!" all three said longingly before rushing up to the stage with the pole in the middle of the room. Queen made sure she was the furthest up on the pole, as she was a Queen on and off the stage, and needed to enforce her reputation.

Matilda never had to enforce her reputation, or anything silly like that. That's why Kenny never critiqued her sexy stances; she was already perfect, and she knew it. Now she just had to help her fellow stars out by posing with them for their first ever calendar. With her right hand on her hip seductively, and her left hand in her ruffled hair, she created a look that was pure perfection.

"Chief," Matilda purred, slipping out of her dress-much like Queen and Julia were doing-revealing silky see-through lingerie underneath, "how well will this calendar sell?"

Kenny smiled, something rare for him since joining the industry. "Oh, very well. I dare say it will be almost as profitable as our infamous collection of videos, what do you think about that?"

The three girls smirked. Nothing would top their… lovemaking videos.

Not by a long shot.

.

Judy admired herself in her full-length mirror, flipping her blond locks back over her shoulder. She was going to go on a date – but her man didn't know it yet. She was going to make this the night to remember. But first, she had to sort some things out first. Such as her son Max. Max was currently busy baking muffins for the charity program at school. She needed to convince him to sleep over at Tyson's place for the night.

She glanced at herself in the mirror again, and smiled then winked. "You are looking fine, Judy." After her admiring session, she exited the room and made her way towards the kitchen. She could hear Max singing along to the words of Justin Bieber's 'Boyfriend' song. "Oh, where did I go wrong?" she mumbled.

"Mum!" Max yelled, running over to greet his mother with messy hands.

She welcomed his embrace and patted his head. "How's my little boy?"

He smiled. "Great mum! I baked muffins and this time I didn't burn them!"

"That's my little Maxie." She led him into the kitchen. "Max, would you mind staying over at Tyson's place tonight?"

Max shrugged. "Sure, why not? But why now? You never let me sleep over because you're worried we're going to have a boy's night in."

"I am going to be busy marking assignments all night and listening to opera. You don't want to be there, Maxie. I'll prepare your stuff for you, alright?" She bent down, and planted a kiss on his forehead and then ushered him out of the room. She needed to work on her pick up lines for her special man.

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AquilaTempestas: It's been way too long hasn't it? I hope you enjoyed this overdue chapter full of insanity and sexual references!

Chocolateloverx16: Yay, this one has been completed, how awesome :D I wonder who has been scared off this time? Well, if you are brave, don't be shy, let us know what you think! :)


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